Life, the very thought of it frightens me. Time is the enemy of life, and time moves way too fast. We can try to fool ourselves by dividing time into as many little units as we please, but we cannot change the fact that our time on this earth is short. The uncertainty of the length makes it worse. I'm sure death wouldn't be as frightening if we all knew the date of our death. We'd be able to deal with it better. We'd apply the same attitude towards it as we do to other inane things like bills or taxes. "Oh shit, I have X more days left till it's over. Better start writing those annoying goodbye emails." I'm sure Hallmark salivates at the thought of being able to market "last goodbye" cards.
Once we accept that this precious little time we have is not infinite certain things that would once bother you become meaningless. Life is the most precious scarce resource we have. Dealing with the stupid silly bullshit that a lot of people get caught up in is an opportunity cost I am not willing to pay. Yesterday is an illusion and tomorrow is not certain. Today is the only day that matters. Right now, this very second is the only second that matters.
I used to hold on to grudges as if my life depended on them. I don't think I care any more. The only person you hurt by holding a grudge is yourself. Every moment you spend holding a grudge only helps to reopen wounds. I know not a lot of people share this way of thinking with me, and that's fine with me. I know there are some who hold a grudge against me and that's understandable. You can't change how people are. Everyone has their own way of dealing. Who am I to pretend I have all the answers? I wish no ill to anyone who may hold a grudge against me. Their happiness makes me happy.
No, I have not found "god" nor some inner peace bullshit and I don't smoke weed. I have no need for cushions. I'm an adult and can deal with cold hard facts (aka the eccentricities of life).
There are certain events that have shaped this way of thinking. I had a brush with death almost two years ago. I've worked it out in my head and the only reason it wasn't more serious was by pure luck. There were a few things I could have done differently that could have avoided the accident completely. The most obvious one, according to my buddy AGT (co-passenger at the time) would have been to avoid Sunset at 2am. If only I could have reacted a split second sooner I could have avoided the whole thing. I had reacted a split second later, I may not be here right now.*
Roxy died and I regret missing the handful of opportunities I had to reconnect with her. She was someone I had known throughout high school but never truly appreciated until senior year and my one semester at Cal Poly. In fact the only positive memories I have from Cal Poly were with her. We had planned to catch up at a Dodger game but we just never did. In fact we were both at the NLCS Game-2 (the one with the amazing ending) but the plans to catch up just never panned out (we were sitting in different sections). Looking back I can say I was mostly to blame for that. I had been avoiding catching up with people. I felt shame for being a failure in life, for being unemployed, for being so lonely and miserable. I let that get in the way when it shouldn't have. I was ashamed over stuff that doesn't really matter. I was ashamed for stuff I have to the power to change. I let my insecurities get in the way. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that now.
Regrets are also an opportunity cost not worth having. Memories are sweet, regrets are counterproductive. We should indulge ourselves by looking back at the past, but we should never try to relive it. All we have is this very breath of air in this very second, and even this isn't guaranteed.